The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 13

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Santa Claws is Leaving the Town

Day: Day of Tidings
Weather: Snowing, not snowing, snowing, not snowing, snowing, hm not snowing

See? There is no snowing in Sydney. So Lillian Succubus decided to go to UK to add a bit of coldness to her already frigidly frozen face for holidays. Unfortunately, a number of teachers at the school also decided to make their way to the Northern Island Kingdom at the same time. Of course when Succubus found out that she was not impressed at all. One of the teaching staff once went up to her in the corridors and cheekily asked her to go to the theatre with him (on school money) so that he can further educate himself and “move on” to new grounds. Extremely annoyed, Succubus turned down the invitation in a low demonic tone and said, “Just to remind you, I am supposed to be on holiday”, and then she picked up her pace and left.

The situation at the school had now become nobody cared to hide their feelings about each other anymore. So the teaching staff would openly tease Succubus outside staff meetings when she didn’t have the power to rule them all. Of course Succubus would not just lie there and do nothing. She continued to terrorise the teaching staff as much as she wanted to in meetings and at the same time claiming that she was under a lot of stress because of the chaos the teaching staff created at the school. The rift between Succubus and the teaching staff are now all in the open. Students are worried that if this continues the standard of the school will go down. As for the Board, the division was even wider. After one of the members posting a question demanding an answer for the 8 million debts that Succubus had incurred for the school, Succubus was busily trying to rally votes of dormant members on her side to kick “unsupportive” members out of the Board at the next Board Election. As for the Board members who wanted Succubus to be done with, they were racing against time in the vote rallying too. So what happened next is beyond anyone’s prediction.

While Succubus was handling the internal warfare, she still didn’t waste anytime to try to establish herself using the school’s name. The latest fanfare was her support for the local short play festival. She threw a party at the school foyer and talked about the importance of having local playwrights contributing to the Australian theatre culture. That was one shameless visage that she put on to try to establish herself on other people’s expense. The fact was she was never interested in Australian playwrights. At one of the staff meetings, after she listed a number of international plays that she wanted to put on for the following year, a teaching staff proposed to have a better representation of local work as it is after all an Australian drama school. She replied, “Hm yes, yes. Of course we should. I love Australian playwrights and their work. We should do so.”

So the staff asked her which ones would she want to consider so he could contact them, she stood their for 10 minutes as if she was under a “Petrificus Totalus” spell. Then with much difficulty she mumbled, “Hm maybe David Williamson.”

When the staff asked her for more names, she just said. “Well em, I think, em, we should, em, talk about this later, em, as, em, I have a very important, em, international call, em, I need to answer to.” So she ended the meeting abruptly and left the room. Everyone in the room was in awe and left the room quietly, although most of them were strategically holding back a laugh.

Another year had gone by at the drama school with lots of dramas going on. Although Succubus tried to execute her Santa Claws for a last time before the holiday started, it just ended in another fiasco with now one of her minions leaving just a year after reporting duty. Not that anyone cared, but people were speculating about what happened between them.

As for the library front, I had given up the idea that people there will change and just continued with my day in day out routine there. Nonetheless, the uni will be closed till after the New Year, so there will be a good old 2 weeks I don’t need to see the Cologne face. Claire is back in UK for Christmas with her family and I probably will just continue to attend parties organised by dad and try to make some new contacts for potential job opportunities. Hopefully, I will eventually score something in the New Year and leave that place for good. Of course mum still didn’t like the idea of quitting the job when acting jobs come but then she married an actor herself, so she couldn’t really complain too much, especially I’d endured a year of “old librarian madness” for her already.

Anyway that marks an end to one year. I better go and grab some of those potato salad before my sister devoured everything on the table.

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 12

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Die Another Day

Day: Circus Day
Weather: Hot hot hot

The media circus around the drama school hasn’t die down at all. Different people are coming out to talk about things and despite Succubus’ iron wrist policy of no talking to the media without her approval, somehow people managed to break through the iron curtain and leaked more and more information to the media. Tim, the acting teacher at the school, told me that what Succubus was trying to do was to conduct a Communist like “Cultural Revolution” at the school. She continued to increase the size of her “Red Army” – the administrative staff to pry on the teaching staff. So anyone who’s not on her side, she will do her best to persecute them and kick them out. It is really a time of Bush fire – either you are with me or you are my enemy and I’ll burn you to hell. What was ironic was that, Succubus will also shamelessly use the people she persecutes to her own advantage. In a recent live interview on a morning show, the reporting was asking her what kind of change she saw that is actually making the drama school better. Of course by this time the whole world knows that the books are red except for the check books of all the ever increasing administrative staff at the school.

Succubus, now not even hiding her intent to kill, gave a creepy smile and said, “well under my administration, there are three teaching staff who further their education and try to obtain a doctorate degree, which is great because that will improve our teaching standards here”.

The reporter, then asked, “So is the drama school financially supporting them or giving them time off to pursue their studies?”

Succubus was caught off guard by the question, but replied, “No, but it was my inspiration and aspirations that guided them to the road of further education.”

The reporter continued to ask, “So they are on their own money and time without any support from the drama school while being ‘demonised’ as the ‘theatre purists’ who refused to move on? Don’t you find that a bit contradictory or lack of logic?”

Succubus’ face turned into a tomato and signalled her three minions to come and rescue. Of course as loyal as dogs, they immediately rushed over and told the reporter and the crew that the interview was over. However, as she hurried away, the reporter continued to yell out questions like, “You said you are involved in the next Olympic Steering Committee, how come we couldn’t find any information about your involvement on Google at all?”

Succubus was now even redder faced, don’t know whether it was because of the heat outside or out of embarrassment. She walked back and said, “How dare you accuse me of faking my CV?” The reporter was happy to get a reaction from her as Succubus continued with her rant, “I moan the future of journalism in Australia if reporters are just relying on Google. Not everything is on Google!”

But then the reporter smiled satisfyingly, “But didn’t you tell the library staff to stop over-servicing student by helping them? According to my information source, you once made a statement that everything is on Google, if it is not on Google it does not exist.”

Succubus had never thought that random statements she made to try to get what she wanted will come back to bite her. Her eyes were burning with fire and she did what she did best – twirled around and left with her troops.

Back at my library home front, Eva Cologne seemed to have forgotten about what happened in the past and has been “being herself” again. Sometimes I wonder how a woman at her age could be so forgetful about all the self-inflicted embarrassment and kept coming back for more. Claire joked that probably it is not because of forgetfulness like kids, but because of dementia. It seems that after working with me for a few months, I had completely corrupted Claire with my unpretentious but witty comments about stupid people.

The latest saga with Eva was that she was trying to push through another picture database into the performing art database (which is weird to mix up performing arts with graphic arts). What she wanted to do was to include images of art works of all museums around the world into our database. The concept was “brilliant” but then everybody knows the logistic problems associated with such proposal. The very basic thing is the acquisition of copyright of those images and of courses also the required skills to catalogue them. And in an Eva style she said “We have Claire. She was a curator at the British Museum, Aaaaaaaai reeeeckon she can do this”. Claire looked at me with her eyes wide open in terror. She mimed “What the fuck is she thinking?”

I replied said, “So how much are you going to pay her? This is an extremely specialised kind of work, and I think it is just outright exploitation to ask her to take on such a huge exercise on this pay while you just sit there taking all the credits telling people you are the person responsible for that”.

Eva Cologne shot a glance at me, and then without looking at me, said, “Aaaaaai’m just giving her a chance to show us what she got. She should thank me and be more appreciative”.

Claire smiled and said, “I think it is foooney that you said so when it was so obvious that Davesto and I had brought a long overdue project baack on traack since we joined the team”.

Alice the Thunderland let slip a convenient chuckle and shot a satisfying glance towards Eva from the corners of her eyes. “I must agree with the young ones. We better get what we need to do now done first and in the future if we do need to add new features to the database, we can let the young ones to do it. Then Eva we can release you back to do your original fulltime job and get your normal things done without piling up too much backlog as it is now.”

This is a huge blow to Eva’s ego as it looked so obvious that Alice is going to kick her off the ship. For Eva who enjoys free ride and taking credits during the process to make her look good, this is a public display of her incapability (which everyone knows except her). The meeting ended with Eva leaving the meeting room like a Chinese miner – completely black faced. Claire and I seemed to have found a new ally in Alice, but as both of us know, as in all office politics, no one could be trusted if you want to survive.

the Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 11

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Say You, Say Me

Day: Non-concessional Day
Weather: Meteorite Storm

The media report from my dad’s program had put the drama school into the public limelight once again. The media circus following the report was like waves of tsunami, forcing Lillian Succubus to apply policies to defend her position inside out. And to achieve so she despatched her three minions on a road to kill while waging an all out media battle with any media that, in her opinion, tried to paint an evil picture of hers. The thing she didn’t understand was the more she opens her big mouth, the more stupid she looks.

Her first attempt to counteract the damning report of my dad’s program was to, “surprisingly”, go on to another current affairs program on the rival channel. At that interview, she basically reiterated that she was there to improve the “chaotic situation” the drama school was having when she arrived. She also put herself on the pedestal by saying that she is the person who is helping the school to modernise into the media future, as the future of acting doesn’t lie in the theatre but the electronic media like motion capturing and acting in front of the green screen. Thus, basic comprehensive training is not as important but movements and physical training are of more importance. She also condemned the “theatre purists” in the school saying that they were just unwilling to move on with time.

However, her appearance not only failed to curb the coup but it triggered more reaction from other staff members of the school to come out and speak up. Eventually, it was exposed that the Board at the drama school was completely split. Some members although knowing that Succubus is dragging the school to hell, refused to admit they made the wrong decision, threw themselves behind her. But the opposite camp on the Board wanted her to be sacked before she finishes her term at the drama school. Then more explosive information came out when I found out that more and more detailed information about the financial turmoil of the drama school was actually released to the media by a few Board members as responses to the bullying behaviours of the Succubus camp inside and outside Board meetings.

Some other high profile graduates also weighed in to the public debate. Kathryn, the latest international sensation graduate of the school, at a recent media interview, revealed her disappointment with Succubus’ direction of the school. As an international film star who never forgets her theatre root, Kathryn, in her usual elegant mannerism, informed the media that she believes that traditional theatre acting training provides students all skill sets they need for life, no matter what media they chose to work with in the future. She took herself and a few other high profile graduates as examples of success. She also mocked Succubus’ believe that if you can move around in front of a green screen you will be able to act by saying “I look forward to see her receiving a year of movement training in front of the green screen will motion capture balls stuck on her face and then deliver Lady Macbeth’s monologue in front of the public next time when she goes on another current affair program”.

While the public media circus continues, the three minions were trying to suppress any opposite opinions inside the school through more irrational bullish behaviours. Angela told me that one day, Joanna Swinestye came into her office with a book in her hand and said “this book only had a few borrowing record, why did you decide to buy a book with such low circulation” Angela looked at her with an insincere smile that she had perfected in the last year, and said,

“This is what usually happen for library collections all the time because you can’t predict at what stage things are required but try to acquire things that will be beneficial to the curriculum. There are over 50 thousand books alone in this library that I bought in the last 30 years, if you have a year or so of time, we can sit down and go through every single one with you about my purchasing decision. When do you want to make the first appointment?”

Embarrassed by her lame and failed attempt to belittle Angela, Swinestye simply said, “As the library manager, I just need to know what’s happening around here”.

Angela smiles again and answered, “Oh maybe you should provide funding to reprint my business cards then, because on mine, it still said I am the library manager.” Swinestye did not respond to the comment but just stormed out of her office red faced.

As more and more people got dragged into the vortex of dramatic debate, my dad’s program came out as the clear winner. The initial interview’s rating went through the roof and the subsequent follow up reports continued to be rating success. Sponsor money flooded in with the cash register kept ringing every single second. My dad was so happy with the results that he bought me a new smartphone and gave me an “honest” cash reward that can support my acting endeavours for the rest of the year without worrying about work. However, when I told mum I am going to quit the librarian day job, she insisted me to stay on so that I can save that cash reward for the rainy days. She even threatened me that she will stop cooking and doing laundry for me unless I continue to stay on this job. Since these are no ordinary threats, as I hate cooking and laundry with a vengeance, I had no choice but to stay on the job and continue my battle with Eva Cologne et al. ☹

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 10

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We Fit? We Fit Not?

Day: Day of Thunders
Weather: All hail hail storm

For the past week dad and his team have been working hard on the groundbreaking report about the drama school. Succubus was particularly tense about the report, as she knows that it will either make or break her. She had been calling dad’s team again and again through her legal team, basically emphasizing if there is anything damaging to her or the drama school (in that order) she will sue the shit out of them (exact wording).

The thing she didn’t know was that the more she did that, the less dad will give her a favorable report because his work thrives on “debatable materials” (dad doesn’t like the word “controversial” thinking that it was taggy). According to dad, there were things that were originally taken out from the report now being put back in. And thanks to Succubus’ persistence, the report is now aired in two segments over half an hour instead of the originally schedule of a 15 minutes “light” report.

The day for the report to go on air finally arrived. Mum is a big fan of dad (otherwise she wouldn’t marry him anyway) and she makes sure that we record every single episode of the program (despite I told her a million times that the station will have copies). For first time in a while I sat down in front of the TV with mum to watch dad’s program. The same melodramatic introduction music played through the surround sound system as mum pressed the red “record” button on the remote control.

Dad was in his usual navy blue business attire with that warm gentle smile on his face. “Today we are going to let you into an inside view of the most prestigious drama school in the country” He said “The power house that produced generations of high profile actors and media personalities.” He continued. “But is the power running out?”

The scene then cut to dad’s voice over report and interview with Samantha Purr, the ex-archivist. During that part of the program basically dad was talking about the division of the school Board over the recent employment of Succubus and then the subsequent failed petition from high profile graduates to sway the decision. It looked at the glorious times of the drama school with a montage of its successful graduates. Then the tone and music suddenly changed. The scene changed from colour to black and white with the image of Succubus and the drama school on a title card “Succubus Vs Art: Is the succubus sucking out all the creative juice of our prestigious Drama School?” Then it cut to Dad’s interview with Samantha Purr. Basically it was about how there were persecutions of teaching staff and experienced staff at staff meetings when they voiced their opinions against anything that Succubus said, the continuous downgrading of library positions and library budget cuts, and shockingly how publicity replaced quality of teaching at the school. Samantha said, there was once Michelle, the voice teacher, was doing a warm up before a production opening with students, Succubus suddenly walked in with a bunch of school kids in their school uniform and asked Michelle and the students to vacate the premise so that the school kids can take picture on the set with her. As I watched the program, I was just shocked how low Succubus had gone to put her own name above the school.

In the second half, it was Succubus’ interview with dad. I’d seen most of the interview in the original tape that dad brought me. But to my surprise, there were a few additions to them. There were more precise numbers in between interviews that I haven’t seen before. Succubus was basically saying the same thing about she brining the school forward and dismissing the resistance of teaching staff as nostalgic. But after Succubus denied the fact that she increased administrative staff number and funding, suddenly on the screen there were numbers coming up showing that the spending ratio of school budget in the last two years had dramatically changed with administrative budget went from 40% to 45% while teaching budget went from 35% to 30%. Obviously the numbers were obtained after the interview, as I haven’t seen them before. But even more surprising was the detail of these numbers, such as the corporate program branch of the school had gone from black to red in two years and the only income increase was the increased rate of hiring out theatres and venues (which explained why Tim said they have less and less time for tech runs in productions).

At the end of the report, it was obvious that dad had upgraded Succubus from a mega bitch to a giga bitch. But one thing that left me wondering was where did dad get those numbers? That’s something I really need to find out.

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 9

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There is nothing called Polite Politics

Day: Pre-judgment Day
Weather: Smoke? Haze? Or Fog?

The audience with Angela, Tim and Michelle continued to bug me for the rest of the week. I know I need to do something but with Eva Cologne breathing down your neck like an Alien Queen, it is difficult to think of a strategy. In fact she has been really testing Claire and my patience lately with all her ridiculous behaviours to teach us about her importance. At first we tried to be polite but then she didn’t seem to appreciate it so we started putting our annoyance more and more on our face. There were several times when I was leaving work, she came around and tried to get me to do last minutes stuff for her. If she was Claire, that would not be an issue, but Eva had never earned any friendship credit from me, so every time I just turned her down point blank. Today sick of being “disrespected”, she scoffed and said. “What kind of work attitude is that? Aaaaaiii never refuse work from maaaaaaaiii boss”. I shot a stare of death to her and replied, “Firstly you are not my boss, and secondly maybe that’s why you never finished any, cos you piled up too much overestimating your ability.” Claire by now is used to my honest attitude towards Eva, but still she couldn’t stop laughing when she heard that. Eva frowned and walked out, “Your generation is hopeless. What did Aaaaii do to deserve working with people like you two?” I looked over to Claire and said. “Probably because she did nothing, that’s why we are here”. Claire laughed so hard that tears were squirting out of her eyes. I felt good and left.

On my way home a thought struck me. If you want bring issues into the open, who do you call? Renaldo Bolingra!

My dad, Renaldo Bolingra is a renowned current affairs anchorman in Australia. He’s been around the block and around the clock. Any issues involving national politics, social politics, media politics, office politics, family politics and relationship politics, you can give his team a call and sure he will be there. His no bullshit and sometimes lack of neutrality attitude in his reporting is loved by the audience and had earned him a few accolades throughout his career. So I decided to enlist my dad’s help.

Turn out my dad was more excited than I am. He said the media has been hearing things about the school for a while but it seems that there was a united front blocking their way. It will be good to have someone from inside to break the defense and of course he will be delighted to be the person to bring justice and peace back to the school again (yeah right).

I sort of drop that hint to Angela during my next visit to the school and the timing couldn’t be better. Lillian Succubus had just sacked the school archivist claiming there was no funding for the position but then the next day advertised the same position on the same pay scale. The archivist was furious and vowed to sue the school (specifically Lillian) and let the whole world know what’s been happening. I gave dad a casual call and the next thing I knew was an interview was arranged with the archivist Samantha Purr.

However, as soon as someone leaked to Lillian that a potentially damaging interview was conducted with Samantha, she called the station trying to kill the story and said that she reserves the right to litigation against the program. But of course as experienced as dad and his team are, they already got clearance from the channel’s legal team and basically told her to piss off. Knowing that she couldn’t kill the story she then insisted to be interviewed too to provide “a balanced view” to the whole situation.

When dad told me that he accepted the offer to interview her, I was furious. However, as professional as dad is, my anger is nothing compared to potential ratings that the coverage could rake in. I knew that it couldn’t be stopped. I started it and it had gone out of my hands.

Dad showed me Succubus’ part of the interview tonight. It will still be another few days before it goes on air so it was an unedited clip. Succubus was in her usual “Shiny Hazel Collapsed Mushroom Look” completed with a “Bride of Chucky” smile. Basically she was saying that she was employed to bring the school into the future and by doing so of course some older staff who are resistant to change are not happy, but this is just a phase. When being asked about all the things I told dad and all the things Samantha said, she just brushed it off as someone tried to taint the name of the school and all she tried to do was to save cost while providing a better environment. Dad asked her if the school was trying to save cost why was a) the archivist position was re-advertised on the same pay scale, b) the school is giving a new opera teaching position at a much higher pay scale than all current teaching staff while the school doesn’t even have an opera singing program, c) there is an explosion in the number of administrative staff directly under her. Succubus didn’t really answered those questions but just kept on saying she is moving the school forward and that’s what she was employed for blah blah and a bad bra.

My anger was at boiling point. I said, “She’s a liar! She’s a bitch! Don’t believe her!” Dad gently puts his hands on my shoulders and said, “I know. I can tell from the interview already. Don’t worry son. I’ll make sure she looks like a mega bitch when it goes on air”.

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 8

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Google Goggle Gargoyle

Day: The Day Sydney Turned Red
Weather: Dust Storm

It was to my surprise that things at the drama school had hit such a low lately. So I took Angela, Tim and Michelle out for a coffee to cheer them up.

As we descended the steps of the familiar metallic staircase, red alert was on. Lillian Succubus had just entered the foyer. She is a lean lady in her early 50s who seemed to have jumped straight out of a failed Lean Cuisine commercial. Her skin was inhumanly dry and pale that everything on her face looked like a child’s drawing on an old canvas. Sitting on top of this was a shiny hazel perm on an outdated “collapsed mushroom” hairstyle, which is anything but complementing. Her face is awkwardly squarely with a hard protruding jaw line, resembling my dad’s old shoehorn. Mum always told me “Square-a dzaw peopo are vely dandzelous! Dey only care about demselves and will do anyfing to get what dey want.” Well you ought to trust the good old Chinese wisdom sometimes.

Tim hushed us to a quick turn as soon as we reached the foyer. We moved quickly under the shadows of the stairs behind the columns attempting to avoid an attack. It’s a déjà vu from “Alien” sans soundtrack. The shore was suddenly cleared when Succubus was distracted by a group of students who just came out of rehearsal. She glided towards them like a demon creeping upon her victims. Realising her presence among them the students reacted like a colony of sardines attacked by a shark.

We ordered our drinks in god speed and tiptoed away to a remote corner table where I found out more about the recent saga with the library.

Since the summoning of the three minions, one of them, Joanna Swinestye, the internal affairs “manager” had been working very hard for her master launching waves of attack on Angela. However without any prior knowledge in the library business, everything became a joke. She could come in on an afternoon while all students are at class and tell Angela, “Why isn’t there anyone in the library? And what is your staff doing at the computer? Don’t they have work to do? Like lending things to people?” When Angela told her that they were actually taking the quiet time to finish their cataloguing so that things are available on the library catalogue, she replied “Catalogue? Are we selling books? Why do we need a catalogue?”

Another classic case was Joanna came in with Succubus pressing for extending library hours while cutting back the number of library staff. When Angela told them that this is quite impossible, they required an explanation. Angela explained that if there were only two staff left in the library, nobody would be able to help the students in their research. Joanna immediately hissed and dismissed Angela, “Helping the students? Now that’s what we called over-servicing!” When Angela told her that’s what librarians do, Succubus laughed it off and said, “Don’t be ridiculous! They don’t need help. You can find anything on Google nowadays, if it is not on Google, it doesn’t exist!”

When I was still gasping on what I heard, Succubus had finished devouring the souls of those students and noticed our presence. Like a hellhound born to kill, she moved swiftly over our way. Tim whispered, “Shit, we are spotted”. She stopped at our table with an artificial smile resembling “The Bride of Chucky”. While Tim and Michelle were not in a mood chitchatting with her, Angela politely introduced me as an alumnus of the school. She looked over with disinterest and with a cold robotic C3PO tone, said, “Welcome back. Pity you’re gone already. Otherwise you can enjoy the better school that I am building.” I told her I liked the place as it is. She let out a geyser puff of laughter and said, “New management, new direction, boy. That’s how it works. You’re too young to understand this”. I asked her what were the grounds for changes. With pride she said, “I talked to students, they told me what they want and I implement them. I’m here for them.”

“By telling them Google is the only thing they need to finish their studies? That’s helpful” I smirked. “And how many students told you they want to take out the script archives for 10 more computers?”

“I solidly remember at least 10 students said they want more computers. It’s quite a prominent figure. Besides the script archives are just wasting space.”

“Great! A drama school that threw out its own script archives. That’s an attraction! And 10 out of 150 students? Have you even checked the usage of computers?” I prompted.

“If that’s what they thought and told me, that has to be true.” She replied confidently.

I broke into laughter, much to her surprise, “No offense, so if 40 out of the 80 people who work here think that you’re a dumb prick, it has to be true too then.”

For the first time I saw colour on Succubus’ face. Angela, Tim and Michelle downed themselves with coffee to maintain a professional visage. With much effort, Succubus squeezed a smile and suddenly in a strong bad RP, “Well, that was interesting. Nice meeting you.” Without missing a beat, she twirled around and walked away.

I looked at Angela, Tim and Michelle, “what’s with that accent? Are we still in colonial age?” Tim choked and spat his coffee and everyone burst into laughter.

It’s nice to hear them laughing again. But back in my mind I know more will come. I need to act quickly.

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 7

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The Bastardy of Administrative Ignorance

Day: The Day Playing Politics Became the Norm
Weather: Attack of the Cyclone Lillian

Knowing the conspiracy scheme of the University against the drama school, I decided to cross the road and be the mole.

It was really a bit exciting thinking about it. Getting caught in a massive evil acquisition scheme of those damn academics and working against them by working for them. It sounds so Casablanca.

I went to the library as my first stop to see my favorite librarian Angela Mitton. She has been there for years and she’s always the favorite of every student there. One can never forget her gentle smile and caring voice. She had helped us out from a lot of troublous situation in our researches. A little surprise was that both one of the voice teachers Michelle Conroy and the Head of Acting Timothy Hayes were there too - so can kill three birds with one stone. :)

Angela’s face glowed as usual as she saw me walked in. It was the same old caring soul that materialized on her kindly face. We gave each other a hug and she asked me to join in and catch up. I gave Michelle and Tim a hug each but then noticed something was wrong.

Timothy was not in his old chirpy self. In fact his eyes were red and despite Angela and Michelle tried to play down my “observation” I insisted to get to the bottom of the barrel. Reluctantly they started talking.

What happened was the new director Lillian Succubus had been raging a political storm in the School since her arrival. She claimed to be an accomplished arts administrator from overseas but she had no idea how to run a drama school. Further, being surrounded by all the people who are cream of the crop in this area in Australia really magnified her incompetence in the School. So in order to combat this, she employed three trusty but equally inexperienced people to manage all the experienced staff in the School so that she doesn’t need to deal with them directly. At the same time she started playing a divide and conquer game on them telling different stories to them thinking that they would not talk to each other and share information. However, when her divide and conquer game was busted at several staff meetings, she turned sour against these staff and adopted a bullish policy towards them through her three minions.

The latest victims were Tim and Michelle. In order to buy over the students, she took them to exclusive lunches that none of the staff members could attend and provided “Director’s Critics” sessions that only she could attend and praise the students to buy them over. When one of the productions fell flat in standard lately Tim and Michelle decided to discuss it at today’s staff meeting. When they raised the issue, she told them flatly to their faces: “You guys only know about acting and voice, what else do you know about production?” The rest of the staff was shocked by her publicly bullish and belittling behaviour but before others could jump in to support them, she said: “If there are no more pressing issues, this is the end of today’s meeting. I’m not going to waste my time when people don’t know what they are talking about and what is good for the organization” And she stormed out of the meeting room.

Tim and Michelle were obviously hurt and especially Tim who had in the previous 20 years devoted his life to the School, teaching students with all his heart. He had taught some of the most influential actors in the world who went on to win various Oscars and Emmys, not to mention countless local awards. He was furious at the same time watching the School standard crumbling in such a short time because they could not give honest and constructive critics to their students’ work anymore.

This is the first time I saw this anger in these gentle and caring teachers. Anger not because we could not live up to and deliver the standards we are supposed to deliver in our art, but anger caused by the damning politics of an insecure piece of shit.

And there were more…

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 6

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The Bastardy of Academic Arrogance

Day: The Day the Art Stood Still
Weather: Shit Storm

The shoot for the TV series was as enjoyable as ever. It is always great to be around all the creative people who have a passion for art. We had a blast on set but everything has to come to an end. So back to the 9 to 5 routines again.

Did I mention that the uni library that I’m working at locates on a campus just opposite to my drama school? But of course the relationship, at least for us, just stops there. We pride ourselves as artists not some academic loonies craving for social recognition by churning out papers after papers that have no social significance. To be honest, who the hell cares about a little girl’s diary uncovered during a backyard digging dated from 1820? Of course some academics will say that there is HUGE social significance because it tells us a fragment of what society was at that time. But I am sure that more people care about whether Buffy slay another vampire more than what a little girl ate for breakfast in the 1820s.

Anyway the reason I’m writing this in my diary is that I feel like Australian arts and culture are in serious jeopardy.

To recapture what I am doing at the library – creating an art database for performance and creative art in Australia. This is partly the reason that I’m willing to surrender my actor’s pride to work with Eva Cologne and “Alice the Thunderland”. However my opinion of certain academics hit new low when I met Alice’s bedtime buddy Peter Hellonme.

The meeting was about the direction of the database and how it helps to raise the research status of the University. It was supposed to be chitchat over a coffee or something. Who would have thought that an informal meeting at an outdoor uni café would be more lethal than those in meeting rooms where Eva and Alice repeatedly tried to rip the spines out of each other?

Peter himself looked very decent. Well mannered with respectable Tommy H fragrance (although I did feel he immediately aged the fragrance – I gave mine all away to dad right on that night). The most respectable part was he didn’t try to comb over his balding skull but just shaved it all off. That’s two points for bravery and self-respect. However, my respect for him stopped as soon as he opened his mouth.

He took a sip of his double shot mocha with additional chocolate and cinnamon (cinnamon?) and looked over to Claire and me. “I noticed that the project had progressed significantly after you two joined” Eva was not impressed. She smirked, closed her notebook on the table and folded her arms in front of her wilting breasts. Fumes were coming out of her ears. She was definitely ready to go. Claire and I just smiled politely tried not to unleash hell from Eva.

“I’m sure this database can help to cement our status as the prime research university in performing arts in Australia” he continued “ which will be helpful for us in the future if we want to take over that god damn drama school across the road.”

My jaw dropped. “Taking over the drama school?” I blurted out.

“Yeah, the university always wanted that piece of prime real estate. To be honest, those actors, directors and whatever and whomever they have there are just wasting prestigious land for no reason. They don’t add any value to the academic wellbeing of our young Australians.” He explained with a pride that was shinier than his shiny bald skull under the sun.

“But they produced generations and generations of cultural icons for Australia that have significant influence both nationally and internationally.” I replied. Claire was watching me, fearing that I might tear him into pieces. But as a curator herself when she worked at the British Museum, she could understand my anger to Peter’s statement.

“They are just celebrities to fill and fuel our tabloid pages” He laughed. “But it’s still good because it will add to the name of the university when it became a branch or faculty of the university. That can attract more students and hence increase our funding.” He laughed thunderously that the whole café was shaking.

I was fuming…and am still fuming. Need a glass of icy cold water before I can continue.

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 5

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The Tale of the Two Bitchies (Second Bitch)

Day: More Than Just Another Day
Weather: Lightning Storm

When the two most powerful bitches in the universe cross fire, you know the dark times are here.

“Alice the Thunderland”, the powerful bitch with a twisted smile raised her pen and started scribbling her spell on the whiteboard. The timeline of her march to the white tower “So Eva, I noticed that recently your long overdue project had made some significant progress”.

Eva shot a spark of energy from the corner of her eye and breathed a sentence of authority “Yes, aaas you noticed. Under my expert guidance, Aaai had taken this project to new grounds. Eeeverything is going fine under myyyy leadership. “

Alice deflected the attack with a twinkling of her thickly mascara’d lashes. A perfect defense exhibited. “Oh really? I wonder what dragged you behind six months ago then? Anyway, we don’t talk about the past. I only care about the future. Can you give me a new completion date on this? I’ll need to log it. Just to make sure things are delivered on time this time”. A shower of meteorites shot from her expensive diamond ring powered by the artificial lighting above rained down on Eva.

Eva dodged the offense skillfully by moving towards the white board in a liquid smooth manner, picked up a red marker and started defacing the timeline spell. A skillful move that even the most experienced Time Lord will have difficulty to counter. “Aaaas you know. The Library doesn’t wooork according to your timeline. We do understaaand on a graaaander scale you might need to know the progress, but when we are reeeeady we will let you know. As an ex-librarian, you should be the first person in your office to understaaaaand the complexity of the project. The research, the indexing, the data entry, the design of the user interface, they all require a lot of expertise from us to work on them.”

Alice seemed to have already predicted the move though. She summoned the Titans immediately. “You know what? I had a chat with Sonia (my boss) and Peter (the Dean of University Research Office). They seemed to expect that this could be finished by the end of the year. I am sure they have both communicated to you on that?” Eva took her tome out from her folder and ready to deflect, however, Alice was much quicker. She slightly moved her position ready to dodge and mumbled a few words to Claire and me. “I know you two are kinda new to the project, but with your involvement so far, do you agree with Sonia’s view?”

Claire and I looked at each other, hoping that our rubber raincoat could keep us alive from this attack on our innocent souls. However, it was a Class A puppet spell! Nothing had prepared us for that! We saw the puppet strings descending on us from thin air and we were defenseless. “What would they know? They are just working on things Aaaaai assigned to them. Aaaaai am the person in charge, so if you waaaant to know the full picture, Aaaai am the best person to ask.” The abrupt lighting storms from Eva formed an electrical shield above us. Though it looked like it’s an attempt to protect us from the puppet strings, the electrical shield could burn us to ashes to if we were not wearing our rubber raincoat.

At this point Claire started to draw her own spells on her notebook. A series of short hand notes that she and I invented to communicate without Eva’s understanding, not to mention Alice.

“When the hell would these two bitches be done?” She wrote in her cryptic spell. “How the hell would I know?” I replied. We felt trapped without Sonia the High Cleric and Valkyrie to protect us this time round.

Alice, as experienced as she is, obviously noticed our spell casting. “Oh I’m glad that someone is taking notes for the meeting. Looks like we finally have two pairs of good hands for this project.” We may be novel to the game, but apparently unconventional homemade spells helped us survived one of the epic battles in the meeting room.

The day ended with Alice slightly scratching Eva. But we knew Eva will not be licking her wounds for long and will be back in good shape for the next fight very soon. But for Claire and I, we had the next few days completely Eva-free and managed to do some work. It might not be a happily ever after situation, but at least the “Bitch of the Second Floor” is gone for a while.

As for me, I applied every single tactic and psychology I observed from Alice and Eva at my gay bitch audition. It was not flawless, but two days later I got a call from Hugo that I got the job.

Maybe like everything else, if you look close enough you can find some good in this job.

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 4

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The Tale of the Two Bitchies (First Bitch)

Day: Just Another Day
Weather: Uncalm Before the Storm

OK…everything started with a call on Monday night. I was in the shower as the phone rang. Mum was singing (or rather squeaking) some tunes from her Chinese Operas (yeah as far as I know she used to be a Chinese Opera singer) while doing the dishes. Something I could never understand: why do you do your own dishes when your husband already bought you a state of the art dishwasher? Anyway, as usual nobody in house picked up the phone except mum. “Hallo! Yes. Hoe on.” Even at the full strength of the shower and the music in my room, I could hear mum’s thunderous footsteps running up the stairs. She knocked on my door and yelled “Son. Your phone! It’s Hugo your Boss.”

As I made myself look decent, I could hear from the outside that mum was chatting with Hugo, my flamboyant straight agent. “Oh hoo hoo hoo. He is such a gud boy! Working hard at da libarly. Peaze. Take gud cair of him for me!” To ensure there were no further embarrassments from her, I quickly opened my door and took over the phone. I gave her a good son smile and said “Thanks mum. By the way, Hugo is not my Boss, he’s my agent.” Obviously that didn’t make a difference for mum. She laughed and smacked my shoulder “Ha ha ha, sutch a tzeeky boy!” and off she went returning to her operatic tunes.

It was both a good and bad news from Hugo. The good news was he got me an audition for a 3-episode guest role on a series. The bad news was I was playing a bitchy gay boyfriend of one of the main characters. Obviously in the story, he found out his boyfriend was cheating on him and the audition scene was the fighting scene between him and the alleged “the other man / bitch”.

No offense but why is it that when Asian actors (or Asian looking actors) are not playing illegal immigrants or restaurant owners, they are gay boyfriends of a lesser importance? And for fuck’s sake I am not even Asian! Surely my mum squeaks like no tomorrow when she sings her opera tunes, I’d never inherited that part of the genes.

However, this could be a break for me so that I can get other acting jobs and quit the Odyssey Space Station all together. I was grateful and worried.

I was not particularly in a mood to deal with Eva Cologne today and particularly not at our weekly meeting when my boss is on leave. That woman just went on and on and on. Claire (the Fooney British Girl) and I started timing her speech with our stop watches lately and charted them on a spreadsheet. That was the only fun thing to do in the meetings with her nowadays.

Anyway so happened that there was someone else attending the meeting today. A woman called Alice, who is the manager of the open access program at the Uni. She heard of our project and thus was interested in whether the product coming out of the program will be suitable to be incorporated into the open access program. I heard that she used to work in the library but then she scored herself a meatier job outside the library with the Power Central. Rumours were that she was sleeping with one of the deans who happened to be the VC best friends…more or less like the entertainment industry but less entertaining with not so goodlooking people (I checked all of them up from the staff directory).

Claire warned me to stay out of cross fires right before the meeting. She said Alice is also known as “Alice the Thunderland”. She basically blasts everything into oblivion if things don’t please her ears. For me I was more worried about the audition later in the afternoon. I was still thinking how could I pull off a gay catfight scene in a club? Especially when Hugo talked me up so much for the role? I am a well-trained actor from a prestigious drama school, but I haven’t done anything like that before. I must search for my inner gay bitch…

As I was contemplating my acting future, Claire and I heard the rolling “clarks” from Alice’s heels. The door swung opened and at the door was a woman in her late forties with a lemon sour face. As she pulled the corners of her mouth upward to “reveal” a smile, she reminded me of Jack Nicholson’s Joker, only with thicker make up and darker mascara. Eva followed to our office shortly after Alice’s arrival. They shook hands but under their friendly gazes were 1000 volts of sparkling electrical energy ready for a kill.

Claire and I looked at each other and sculled for rubber raincoats to stay alive.

Too tired now…need sleep…will continue later.

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting Librarian) Chapter 3

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The 2009 Space Odyssey

Date: One Fine Day
Weather: Meteor Storm

Third week into the job. My boss delivered the first death sentence – I need to start working at the desk! I was thinking: “Hell no! I’m too good looking to be the “beep beep guy”! And I can’t let my acting friends see me doing that! They can be just 10k away shooting “Hospital Soap” at the studio!”

Well, turned out it was not the “beep beep desk” but the “Reference Desk” – no you don’t do referrals there (or do we?) but we help people find their way in the library. Be it finding the loo or getting something from the library system. Also found out that none of my friends are acting at the mo but waiting tables in Darling Harbour, Kings Cross and other prestigious Sydney suburbs.

The first shift was hell. It was with mighty Eva, who couldn’t stop telling me “Ai am the expert here. So listen to me and watch me. Ai won’t have time to teach you if you caannae understand how to work here. Ai am very busy. Ai am a very busy woman!” – “Ai waant her to shut the fuck up!”

During the whole shift I was trying to sit under the air conditioning vent hoping that the air curtain would fend off the shit water smell from Miss Cologne. Sometimes I really felt sorry for the students who needed her help…well basically she jumped on to my clients like a tigress devouring its prey every time they approached me because she rrreckoned that I knew nothing about my job.

So I was just playing around with the databases looking for free scripts to download.

Then suddenly an Asian student came to me. I looked up with my most good-looking self and smiled. And out from her mouth poured a string of gibberish that I could hardly understand. It’s like decoding the “Da Vinci Code” but without the pleasant company of Audrey Tautou…ah Audrey…Anyway why the hell would she think that I could understand her language? I might look Asian but I am a true blue Aussie with a famous Aussie dad who is earning millions on TV every night! Don’t they even watch TV here and learn English???? So I just casually smiled and said “Huh? I can’t understand you. Can you speak English?“ She stared at me in surprise and then uttered a few more whatever words to her friend behind her and walked away.

Ok – rule number one – if you are studying in an Aussie uni, you ought to speak English and understand the language. How did these people even get into uni nowadays? Rule number two – if you disturbed someone and found out that you don’t need or can’t afford his help, you should still say “Thank you!” Where are the manners of these people?

From the corners of my eyes, I could see the satisfaction on that bitch’s face saying, “Ai know Ai know, this kid caan’t even handle a single client. Ai am so much better. Ai am such an expert at the desk” I acted like I didn’t notice the distortion on her stupid face (well I am a fully trained actor after all) and continued to do my own stuff.

The clock struck 1pm and it’s time to go home. I couldn’t wait but to pick up my bag and leave. The moment I left the building I felt like I was back to the real world. That place was like a parallel universe that you just float inside a spaceship dealing with hordes and hordes of aliens. I couldn’t help but wonder, "did Stanley Kubrick get his idea of “2001 – A Space Odyssey” by working there?"

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 2

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Date: The Day After Tomorrow
Weather: Eternal Sunshine of the Insanely Spotted Mind

Survived two days at work. Just like Jake survived “The Day After Tomorrow”.

The first day was just orientation. My boss is a nice lady in her 50s with a very quiet and calm mannerism that you can hear the sound of silence when she speaks.

The orientation is basically a garden tour around the place; meeting people and forgetting their names; having lunch at a canteen that serves plastic tasting food and of course being disorientated. Seriously the induction program was comprehensive that it is easier to remember the lines of a Shakespeare play than anything they told me in the program. And at the end of the day I need to fill in a 600-page questionnaire asking me how I felt about the induction. Seriously, at drama school the only thing I barely need to write is a 14-line sonnet that barely needs to mean anything at all. These people, they are so - serious!

Back to the job. Thank God! It’s just for six months with “possible extension” (which I hope won’t happen) on a project related to performing arts. So happened the library got some funding to set up an art related database and blah so they need someone with extensive art knowledge to help them. It’s 3 days a week (Ooohooo tomorrow is the end of working week ☺) and blah.

Anyway I told them upfront that I have to be flexible and need to go last minute to auditions and such and surprising they are very accommodating…must be hard to find good people like me nowadays ☺

Had my first meeting today and met two of the people I will be working with in the next few months. The first one is a woman in her 40s called Eva Cologne. From the moment I saw her, I knew she is a hell to work with. She is basically the elongated version of Margaret Thatcher with a 24/7 Madonna rage without a Madonna face. She treats other people like she was Eva Peron with her nose pointing to the sky most of the time. I wonder how could she not have a neck problem with her head permanently tilted upward? And she always speaks with an out of nowhere authoritative tone:

“Ai rrreckon that we don’t need someone else to kome in to hellp us. Ai rrrreckon that Ai alrrready have the experrtise for this. Ai have the expertise for everrything! Ai rrrreckon it is a waste of time and money. Ai Ai Ai…”

For me, “Ai rrreckon we should just send her to the firrrring squad!”

And her cologne! Really! I rrrreckon that if you can only afford $5 Paddy’s Market fragrances, you might as well extract water from your shit.

The other workmate was more human. Martha is a British girl full of energy and always wears a smile no matter what. She carries a “fooney” British accent and I already asked her to teach me so that I can make use of it when I opened up the UK market in the future. I am impressed that she managed to keep her sanity after 6 months with the mighty Cologne. She is currently engaged to her Aussie boyfriend whom you can see the pride on her face every time she mentioned him. More importantly she is around my age, so I have someone normal to talk to. Seriously, when you are working with Eva you really need someone normal to look at and make faces to lol Martha is like the team’s “Eternal Sunshine of the Insanely Spotted Mind”.

My boss explained the reason why they needed me in a very diplomatic way. But like all DVDs (& Blu-rays), you always have the "behind the scenes" stuff. So far every single person I met told me that Eva had completely screwed up the deadline and the project is already 6 months overdue. She keeps on spending more money and then telling people she is so busy because she has to do her own job and take care of the project. Seriously, judging from the day I worked with her, I think if she shortens her “Ais” every time she opens her mouth and spend the time she purposelessly boasting about her deluded ability to do some work, she would be able to finish everything on time.

But who am I to complain? I got a job (like it or not) and mum is happy. She is telling every one “My son is a laibearlian at da university!” Judging from the improvements in the quality of my laundry, I think I will just take advantage of the next 6 months…hm maybe get some materials out of this for my next play…

The Unnecessarily Catalogued Fulltext Open Access Diary of an (Acting) Librarian Chapter 1

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The Beginning of the End

Date: One day in my life
Weather: Sunny and great outside. Thunderstorms rolling inside

I know it. It’s karma. I know it right from the beginning.

Dad is an established Aussie TV reporter. And mum? Well she is a Hong Kong woman who plasters $100 notes on her face for facial. Me? A guy at a racial crossroad with nowhere to go.

Being a mixed kid is really a matter of luck. If you are in Hong Kong, no matter how you look they will still treat you with awe. But if you are in Australia but you look more like a Chinese than a true blue Aussie you are doomed! Curse to the dominant Asian genes.

I got an extremely European name – Davesto Bolingra – but that name doesn’t match with the face. I remember when I first started school, my kindergarten teacher called my name, I put up my hand and every kid was laughing at me thinking that I didn’t know my own name. Early years in primary and secondary school were similar, only that the magnitude of verbal abuses increased by year. “Don’t be ridiculous! You are Asian! Asians don’t have cool names like that!”

Anyway that’s history.

I always look up to my dad. He’s so cool on TV. He covers current affair stories that nobody cares but Aussies seem to love them. So I decided that I want to be an actor so that I can share the TV screen with dad. It will be so cool that every night after dad’s program, mum sees me on a soapie parroting lines and chasing hot blonde chicks on the beach. Ah hot blonde chicks! I always have a soft spot for them...

Anyway when I told mum my plan, she was freaked out thinking that I am going to ruin my life: “You luk like Tzainese! Nobody hireya Tzainese on TWee. You betta fine somefing usefow to study. So you can have poppa income!”

I went to library school after completing theatre school to please mum. Not because I liked it but because it required minimal effort to pass but still sounded professional. I also got meself an agent – a cool flamboyant straight guy who knows everyone in the industry. Also know as an old pal of dad’s. I jumped into the fantastic world of acting after graduate school and thought that I will never look back.

Turned out works are scarce and far between, and I continue to withdraw money from Bank of Parents. Then mum came to my room one day: “You need to find a poppa dzob so dat you are not dzus sitting he-ya when no one ars you to act”. What kind of mother will say that to her child? She should be supporting him and encouraging him!

The next week, through her friends at the uni, she found me a librarian job.

That’s when the reality kicked in. Me? A librarian? I stalked my school librarian just to find out where he lives so that I know where to get my overdue fines back! I certainly don’t want to turn into an old pathetic being like him!

My sister was excited though. She kept on asking: “Are you going to be one of the ‘beep beep guys’? Can I come to see you do the beeping?” I told her to piss off as usual. For fuck’s sake I finished graduate school. Beeping books at the desk? You must be joking me!

I tried to get out of it, but in Chinese manner, and to be honest, being short on cash and still living at home, you need to do what your mum told you. Or nobody will be cooking your meals, do your laundry or iron your clothes. But deep inside, my heart is bleeding so much that I think I’m going to die before tomorrow comes.

I hope tomorrow will never come! This is the record of my life before I got crushed to death by falling books.